"Professionally cleaned"

Monday, 23 April 2007

On Saturday, we packed our wordly belongings and headed North, crossing the Thames with a twinge of nostalgia. For Kei, this was a homecoming, a return to the safety and comfort of charted territory. For myself, it was an adventure, my second permanent address in London and a tentative step towards a more suburban existence.

Whatever our various expectations of our future home, neither of us were quite prepared for the comical and trying array of mishaps that littered our path to homeliness. Less than twenty four hours before moving in, literally as the ink dried on our contract, we overheard a conversation at the rear of the letting agent's office describing our boiler as broken and leaking. This in fact turned out to be two separate problems, one in the boiler, one in the plumbing beneath the bathtub which was leaking into our neighbours apartment.

The remote control for the underground parking was taken by the previous tenant and so after three days of haranguing the letting agent, the landlord purchased a new one and then insisted that we pay a deposit for it. The telephone line has not been used since the early nineties and requires an engineer to activate it. The electricity meter was in debt when we arrived and so we had to pay the previous tenants owings just to switch the lights on. The fridge smelled like something had died in it, and then been ressurected to do the work of Satan, and then died again. The duplicate keys we had cut didn't work and the key cutter seems to have left town. The electricity panel for the boiler is literally hanging out of the wall, exposed live wires dangling inches from a fifty litre water reservoir.

While moving furniture around we discovered that each piece had been carefully placed to hide a pointillist artwork no doubt rendered with smouldering discarded cigarettes (which explains why all the furniture the landlord purchased claims in large bold letters to be FLAME RESISTANT). I had been assured by the agent that the apartment would be "professionally cleaned" before we moved in and unless by professional he meant a blind, armless toddler with attention deficit disorder and a feather duster would be left alone in the flat for an hour, he might have been stretching the truth a little. The stove was invisible for the congealed Korean cooking oils which I now know are resistent even to industrial grade solvents. If they're enriching uranium, it might well be for the peaceful purpose of cleaning the nation's hobs and ovens. The carpet, when vacuumed, went from smoker's lung to smoker's teeth on the Pantone color chart.

The final straw came when I returned the hire vehicle we had used, only to be told that the spare tyre was missing. I had not checked for it before taking possession and so was legally liable for the cost of replacement. Thank goodness for the security guard who discovered that several spare tyres were missing besides my own ("It's them bleeding kids wot nick 'em") otherwise the manager may well have been the next victim of our Indesit fridge/freezer from Hades.

By now we are more or less settled in. Various bits of the apartment are starting to look inhabitable and I'm particularly proud of the IKEA bookcase (assembled by myself with only one minor injury) which will some day double as a television stand.